Or perhaps I’m more of a “Slang Dictionary of Awesome.” I have problems with labeling myself after an accurate and grammatically correct thing. I’d lie, but if it doesn’t hurt other people, what’s the point?

Either way you slice it, I’m really starting to build a written legacy. Being that I had to find inspiration for some of the more creative English courses here at Marist, and being that I wasn’t able to find that in NBA Street or soft serve icecream, I went back on a brief tour of my earlier online writings. Although some of it was like trying to broken glass as a repacement for braille, theres some classic stuff in there.

Without further ado, here are some classic Slafta moments from the xanga and blogsome archives. If they fail to make you laugh, just remeber, they saved me from coming up with new content. And just like I told the kids when I visited the Make A Wish Program (I’m already regretting this), Its not about you little bastards.

(P.S. I saved the best for the last.)

“I’ve got nothing to say, but I’m not missing a day. The indians would call me “boy who dedicate often,” but we extincted them.”

“If Mothra were a leopard….would he still be called Mothra…?? I think thats gonna be my question of the decade….it’ll start conversations, interviews, trips to the drive up windows…hell, it’ll even clean tough stuck on grease.”

“Do you realize what youve done? That is the HOTTEST girl in the school, and you just gave her a shot of your puffer in her eyes. Who does that?”

“Freedom - verb - the ability for any man or woman to eat unsavory amounts of hotdogs in 12 minute competitive spans.”

“Except Carl Canzona. You are the antichrist.”

“Andrew Slafta: The poster child for 57th trimester abortions.”

“For the most part I’m a pretty humble guy. I don’t like to accentuate my own talents, declare myself awesome, or place myself on a platform constructed out of the backs of my peers. I mean, I do all of that, but its more to show the evils of such narcissism. I could explain, but that would require valid arguments, which i am currently fresh out of.”

“I love getting things. But when those things aren’t money, booze, or Keno from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, I have little use for them.”

And the topper:

July 12th 2004

“If i could travel to meet anybody that was ever made or alive or whatever, i would choose sonny the leprechaun. like he is always running around with stupid kids trying to catch him and stuff, but i mean hes a leprechaun. Why dont he just shazaam em. Or at least buy a gun. I mean shit nigga. No one will be after ur marshmallow treats if u packing. Fuck dat.i mean hes got a pot of gold, so he oviously got funds for it. I mean hell, who cares bout cereal anywayz? i think these kids are after more man, and that is shit. Nigga gotta rise up and punk those bitches. Then id touch his hat. the end.”

Amazing. All the more so when you consider it was an idea for a response to the Ithaca College Application’s essay.

Go me.